Well here we go again

Alright, so for what seems like the umpteenth time, my plans have fallen through.

I am no longer going to Sicily due to visa problems.

The thing is, I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do now. Here I sit, a college graduate living at home with no job and no prospects to speak of. It's hard not to feel like a failure.

Everyone expected, and to a large extent still expects, me to go to med school. Over the past year and a half, I have come to realize that I have very little desire to actually do that. Thus began the search for what I do want to do/what God wants me to do, since I'd much rather be doing that than anything else. It has been one big jumbled mess and it seems like every time I think He's starting to lead me one way, that door slams in my face. Teach for America, GradWorks, Sicily, ministry with my friend's family in Germany. Every time I look for a new backup plan, it falls through.

What I have discovered through this, though, is that sometimes I am entirely too passive and sometimes I am entirely too proactive. The proactive part comes in with me saying "Well God, I'm not getting anything from you right now either way on this decision, so I'm going to just move forward with this."

Nice try.

It wasn't as though I was trying to move without God's direction, I was just trying to ascertain His direction on things in my own time. I should have realized that not hearing something from Him essentially means don't move forward (yet).

So, instead of trying to muddle through things myself, I am going to try to wait patiently until God actually moves to direct me one way or the other. I have a sneaking suspicion (don't you hate those?) that if I just let things be, not moving forward on anything, that somehow something will just fall right into my lap. Because anything I put together will just fail again.